What’s Your Feeding Style?
Researchers have developed a model that compares 4 distinct parental feeding styles. Spoiler alert: one approach appears to have the best outcomes.
Who doesn’t like to get a little introspective? When I was a teen, I loved taking the quizzes in magazines and these days I often fall for click-bait offering a quiz to understand what type of friend/decorator/dreamer/candlestick maker I am. This post looks at how concepts from psychology can be used to better understand what we are bringing to the table as parents who are trying our best to feed kids.
Let’s start with the basics:
Psychologists have divided parenting approaches into 4 distinct styles.
Each style is high or low in the following two areas:
How demanding the parents are
How warm or responsive the parents are to their children’s needs
Here’s a breakdown of the styles:
Permissive: low demands for children in a warm/supportive setting
Example: allows kids to avoid anything that seems uncomfortable
Authoritarian: high demands for children with low support/warmth
Example: punishes child when they get anything but an A grade on tests
Neglectful or Uninvolved: low demands for children but also low support/warmth
Example: doesn’t enforce a bedtime or help kids get ready for bed
Authoritative: high demands for children in a warm/supportive setting
Example: pushes kids to master new skills and helps them learn along the way
The authoritative style (high demands, high warmth) tends to be associated with the best outcomes in parenting studies. This parenting style has firm limits yet is also nurturing and responsive to a child’s needs.
Parents try to change behavior through discussion and boundaries rather than relying heavily on rewards or punishments. Studies link this style to more independence, better academic success and lower rates of anxiety, depression and drug abuse in older kids.
What does this have to do with feeding kids?
These same categories have also been used to classify parents’ feeding styles. The categories help researchers study what types of feeding behaviors and environments lead to better outcomes.
Below is what each style might look like in the context of feeding kids:
What Permissive (low demands/high warmth) Feeding Looks Like:
The child gets to dictate what, when and where they eat and parents tend to comply with requests. People often joke about this type of feeding by saying that the parent is a short order cook. Here are some examples:
- Food may be offered to sooth a child or avoid a meltdown.
- When it comes to food, “no” isn’t a part of the parent’s vocabulary.
- Child may refuse to eat family dinner then request a specific snack 30 minutes later.
What Authoritarian (high demands/low warmth) Feeding Looks Like:
Parents micromanage what a child eats and sets rules around meals. This style of parenting was common when our parents were growing up and some of them may have tried to pass these practices down to us. Here are some examples:
- Rules such as “you can’t leave the table until you’ve finished your plate” or “you have to eat all your vegetables if you want dessert”
- Banning foods such as sugar or sweets from the child’s diet
- Child doesn’t have the final say in how much they eat…ie telling a child that they’ve already had enough so they can’t have any more
- Kids may be punished for not eating what the parents want them to.
What Neglectful (low demands/warmth) Feeding Looks Like:
I’m guessing if you are taking the time to read a blog about feeding kids then you are unlikely to be a neglectful feeder. This style sometimes happens in the setting of other serious social issues. Here are some examples of what it might look like:
- No prepared meals or family meals.
- Limited food options in the house or not enough food.
- Kids left to “fend for themselves”.
- No expectations for the child to eat a variety of foods or a balanced diet.
What Authoritative (high demands/warmth) Feeding Looks Like:
Parents with this style strike a balance between boundaries, support and trusting kids to listen to their bodies. Parents set meals up to offer a variety of foods then let kids make their own decisions about how much to eat. Healthy diet choices are encouraged but not forced.
- “If you don’t want to eat it, that’s ok. You can try it when you’re ready.”
- “Pasta sounds delicious but it isn’t on the menu for dinner. We are having tacos and salad. You can choose what you want to eat off your plate.”
- “The kitchen is closed now. I’ll let you know when it’s snack time."
- “For breakfast would you like X or Y?
Obviously not every parent’s feeding style fits nicely into a box. Some parents vary in their style from meal to meal and day to day. I may be strict and not that warm at breakfast before my morning coffee kicks in, but then later in the day, become more permissive in my feeding style. Other parents may be really strict around certain foods but more lax when it comes to other foods.
What does research say about the feeding styles?
Research seems to show that an authoritative (high demands, high warmth) feeding style is associated with lower rates of childhood obesity and higher rates of fruit and vegetable intake even in teens. It’s also been associated with lower rates of emotional eating (turning to food when upset) which makes sense since it focuses from an early age on listening to your hunger cues—eating when hungry and stopping when full.
Permissive and Neglectful feeding styles were associated with higher rates of childhood obesity. Neglectful feeding has also been linked to higher rates of obesity in adulthood. Theories are that this might be the result of food insecurity or a lack of learning about balanced nutrition from a young age.
Some studies suggest that the “clean plate” approach of authoritarian feeding could result in children having a difficult time recognizing hunger and fullness cues, eating more of “forbidden” foods when they have access to them and consuming less fruits and vegetables than their peers.
Here’s some more food for thought (or good discussion starters with your partner):
Which feeding style do you most relate to?
Was this the style your parents used with you?
Does your feeding style vary a lot from meal to meal and day to day?
Do you think your coparent has a similar feeding style to you?
